Sunday, March 21, 2010


It seems I can make it through the winter with the help of going south for two months, but March and April are really rough months for me.  Again this year I am battling the thoughts and dreams that remind me of two years ago.  Two years ago we left our chosen lifestyle of traveling to return to Minnesota to help care for mom.  Two years ago we started over, finding an apartment, buying furniture to replace what we had given away, and setting up housekeeping in a permanent spot again.  Two years ago we knew mom had developed some problems that wouldn't allow her to live independently any longer.  And two years ago we knew things were going to change drastically in the next few months.  And those of you who are regular readers, know that things did change.  Our precious mother had brain cancer that wasn't discovered until it was stage four, and she lost the battle before we even had time to try to fight it.

My thoughts these past days have so often traveled back in time to two years ago.  My last thoughts when I crawl into bed at night are of those days two years ago when we were just finding out that things were not going to be the same anymore.  I wish I could shake these feelings and thoughts, but it's tough.  I need to find something in the here and now to think about and be excited about, and not forget the pain of the past, but put it further back in my head so it's not the first thought of the day and the last thought of the night.  That's what I've been working on recently, and therefore I've not posted a thing of value.  I do think I'm near the end of my funk however, and hopefully I'll be back soon.

After all, God is with me.  He says 'I will never leave you or forsake you,' and I need to remember that and trust that.  He will help me through this, just as He has always helped in the past.  It's time for me to kick that old funk in the butt and get on with it.  I'm going to try.


AprilinRI said...

I'm sorry you've been down lately. I know that feeling too well. One thing I recommend is trying to "re-boot" yourself with a project (like maybe start a cookbook for your church?) and also listening to music! Soon it will be time to color eggs with your grandkids! ;-)


Marge said...

You are right, April! I need to be doing something for someone else instead of dwelling on myself. I have thought of several things recently that I would like to explore, and plan to check them out soon. Having you see this too, just firms up the fact that I'm on the right track and I should follow up on my thoughts. Thanks for the comment! And please come back. I'm not always this down!


Gail said...

It took me a few years to recover from my mom's sudden death. I was talking to her on the phone when she died. It was hard and I missed her so much for the first few years. God has given us a way to deal with the loss of a loved one. It's called time and He blesses us by knowing that she is in heaven. Don't put yourself down. We all deal with a loss in our own way. There are always things to be thankful for! Take care and know I love you. gail

Lisa said...

I don't know how you are feeling for I have not lost my mother nor my father. I do not look forward to those times of course, it makes me sad to even think it will come sooner than I ready for it. But I do know that funk you are talking about. Even though we had our big meeting with the step daughter, it was horrible, and even though they said they were sorry, I can not get out of my head the awful things they said and did. So today when it was taking me over, I turned on the CD of childrens church songs we bought for the grands...and I loved listening to it. That helped me tremendously. Hope you find some one to not let those thoughts bring you too far down, but I don't have any answers for you. Just know I am a phone call away and can and drink a cup of tea with an old I mean Ole friend! =)